Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
