I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
