she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
