I could make wine with my vomit
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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