they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
