hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
