you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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