Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
