Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
