my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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