Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
