why didn't you poke me back
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
