No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
