My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The beer is more important than you right now.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
