ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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