I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
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And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.