Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.