I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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