Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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