i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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