Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she looked like the before picture.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
