im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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