i just wanna soil my oats bro
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
