He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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