the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
