Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
