Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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