life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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