9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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