Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize