we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
