so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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