The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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