Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
