Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
