I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
