i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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