I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
