Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
