how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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