Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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