i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
