oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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