I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
