census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
