if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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