forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
