Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
