People in love make me want to vomit
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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