I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
