we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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