did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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