Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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