I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
