glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
