I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
how does that bad decision feel?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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