Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
