I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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