I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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