i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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