2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
